Everyone has motivations for why they do things. Some people are motivated by money. Some are motivated by popularity. Some people are motivated by good intentions.
When it comes to my writing, my motivation changes from day to day. Some days, I am motivated by the thought of actually getting a book a deal and not working two jobs, living pay check to pay check. There are also the days where the idea of being a famous author really excites me. Other days, my motivation is to actually finish one thing I set out to do with my life and be proud of myself.
I see all these people living their lives and accomplishing things they set out to do years ago and it makes me feel like a loser. When I started college, I wanted to be a marine biologist. I quickly failed out of that. Then I switched my major to Criminal Justice. I loved my classes and excelled in them. I graduated with that degree with every intention of being a juvenile probation office. I wanted to help the kids who are getting on the wrong paths. I wanted to show them that someone out there cared. I wasn’t naive. I understood that the majority of the children/teens I dealt with would not want my help and would push back at everything I did for them. But I always said, “If I could just help one kid, then it was worth it.” Well after 2 and half years of applying for jobs in my field and struggling to pay my bills being a nanny, I finally gave up and took a customer service job to pass the time while I continued looking. Once a month for another 2 years, I continued to apply for jobs in the CJ field, while I worked. Eventually, I got burned out. I could only be rejected so many times. I finally accepted that it wasn’t what my life was going to be. Every now and then, I look at that and think about how much of a loser I am for giving up on that. But then I think that, if it was really something I was motivated to do, then I wouldn’t have given up. I still work in my customer service job and I actually really love it here. I am good at helping people and making them happy when they are angry. I am good at fixing peoples problems. It also gives me time to write. Writing is the one thing I have always stuck with. I have always wanted to publish a book and I continue to be motivated to it. No matter how many excuses I have, I always come back to it. Sure I worry that when it comes time to get it published, I won’t be able to take the massive amounts of rejection again. But, I like to believe that since this is the one thing I have always wanted that the rejections won’t shake me this time. They will motivate me to keep trying. To prove everyone (and sometimes myself) wrong. To prove I can do this. Even if I don’t become a famous NY best seller. Even if I end up self publishing and the only people who buy my book are my family members. That is all I need. To show myself that I can accomplish one thing I set out to do with my life.
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