What am I even doing anymore?

I’ve been really bad about keeping up with this. I have also been pretty bad about keeping up with writing every day. I had a really good day last week, I wrote pretty much non-stop from 10 am-4 pm. When I stopped for the day, I still had ideas of where I was going but by the time I was able to sit down with my book again a couple of days later, I had lost it. That being said, I am at least slowly but surely making progress in my word count. Currently, I am at 28,047 words. A lazy google search told me “your manuscript must be at least 35-40,000 words long. The average nonfiction book, if such a thing exists, runs about 50,000 words; longer books run about 75,000 words.” I should probably be shooting for the 75,000 number just so I have plenty to work with when it comes to editing. BUT I am pretty close to that minimum number. Which makes me feel a little bit better.

I’m still feeling pretty discouraged these days though.

Honestly, I am feeling discouraged with every aspect of my life. I am starting to wonder if my creativity is hurting because I often feel bad about the rest of my life. I am 29 years old. I have two jobs. I still live paycheck to paycheck. I am drowning in student loan debt. I love my job but I’m starting to feel frustrated with the  lazy work ethic of a coworker. I do everything. I am okay doing everything, but I don’t get paid to do everything. I work my ass off for this company and while I know my bosses know this their hands are tied and they can’t pay me any more money. I think that is why the lazy co worker is really starting to piss me off. I do all the work, I struggle to pay my bills, I am always stressed and tired and sick. And he just sits there and does whatever the hell he wants all day long and gets the same (possibly more) money than I do. Even though he is doing 10% or less of the work. But even if he were gone, I still wouldn’t be making enough to quit my second job. On top of all of that, I have been struggling with this damn auto-immune disease that leaves me feeling like crap physically too. I can’t help but think all of this is effecting my writing. But then again, plenty of people derive motivation from this kind of stuff. “Oh my life sucks? I am going to get off my ass and fix it!” I have a hard time doing that. I want to get off my ass and fix it. But when you don’t even have enough to eat for a full week, it’s hard to feel confident in yourself to find a new job, to buy new clothes for this new job, to write a book you know will take off. But if I don’t do those things, I can’t complain about my circumstances, can I? If I don’t make the changes, nothing is going to change. So, how do I start? What do I do? Why can’t I write? Will I ever finish this book? Maybe I just need to go into hiding. Work then home. No where in between. Put myself on a super strict budget. Quit all my vices. Cancel all my streaming accounts. If I am home, I should be writing. That is all. My money will go to bills, debt, food, and meds. No more junk food, period. No more “i’ll start tomorrow.” no more “one more episode.” But how does someone who is notorious for having zero will power going to stick to this? I am the only one who can force myself to do this, how do I do it? Am I going to have to get some self help books? Do I need to make myself a strict schedule that I have to stick to? Why am I so terrible at being an adult? Where did I go wrong?

When did this post become my diary? Sorry guys, I have bitched and moaned at you enough for one post. I should start to actually figure out how to fix this…if you have any suggestions, let me know haha.

Sorry again for the lame post. But I guess the point of this blog was to write about the process and hell, struggle is part of the process.

Don’t forget to follow me on here and on Twitter @AndytheWriter33 (I try and keep that a lot more light hearted)